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Vergil's Journal
Here it is six days into the new year and I am no closer to being sane then I was when I was first committed. True I am no longer being tortured at Casa de Cuckoo and I am no longer drugged into a catatonic state. But I am still plagued and tormented by nightmares and the deeds that I had done in the past.
Christmas was wonderful this year. My family and friends being together. Father really outdid himself. I always knew that wily old devil had a bent sense of humor but I never realized how twisted he could be. Most people have secret Santa's, not so the Sparda's, we have secret Satan’s. We go through the process of passing the Santa hat around and drawing names out of it. Dante admitted to me later that he had cheated so he could have my name, since he had special gifts planned for me. I didn't bother telling him that everyone knew that he had cheated and that he could have given them to me anyway. I drew Lady's name and decided that if she were going to be called Lady then she would be treated like one. And wrangled the rest of my family into helping me. So Lady soon found that doors were being held open for her, her chair was pulled out from the table, the men would rise when she entered or left the room. I also sent made sure she received a new wardrobe of clothing that made her look more like a lady and less like a typical teenage boy's wet dream come to life. I must admit that I was pleasantly surprised when she came down for dinner one night in a very lovely long blue dress. Granted there was still a fair amount of cleavage showing, but all in all she looked like a lady. As for everyone else I had no idea who drew who’s name.
Jael spent the Christmas holidays with us, for some reason only known to him he did not want to see his own family. Saying that mine had shown him more love and attention then he had ever received from his own. What can I say to that? Nothing. Nothing at all. Although I secretly wondered if he regretted his decision when he woke up one morning and found Danny Bonaduce in his room. That wouldn't have been so bad, but Mr. Bonaduce was sitting in a pear tree singing Christmas carols to hi, very loud and very off key. That was his first day of Christmas with The Sparda's. That's when I knew who Jael's secret Santa was, my father. father. Father's gifts to him continued on that line celebrating the 12 days of Christmas. Although I admit that by the 11th day I was ready to cheerfully strangle him, my father, not Jael. I know for a fact that Dante would have held him down while I did it.
On the morning of the 11th day of Christmas with the Sparda's, the entire house was woken to the most god awful racket this side of...well...hell. I had to laugh at Dante who sprang stark naked from bed grabbed Rebellion and made ready to fight the demonic horde that was invading us. Dante had growled me wondering what I found that was so funny. It wasn't the fact that we had been woken up before the sun had even raised it's weary head over the horizon, that had irritated me as well. What I was laughing at was how unbelievably charming my Dante looked trying to defend me from whatever the hell was making that racket.
I stopped laughing when I realized exactly what it was that was making that noise. I have no idea at-tall where father found them, but he had hired eleven bag pipers to come and play outside of Jael's window. Jael took it all in stride and thought that it was quite funny. Then again he is as demented as my father.
I know that in my last entry I was talking about how I was having trouble staying focused in 'the real world'. I still have no idea what brought that on. But I do believe that I have finally had a break through in some of my angst and the help came in a source that I never expected.
I was called to the visitors lounge and saw her, the one person whom I truly hated. The woman who had caused me nothing but misery for 10 long years. If I would have had my beloved Yamato I would have removed her head from her shoulders. The only thing that had kept her safe from my wrath before this was that she was always with Dante. But now she was here alone. I couldn't help but wonder what her game was.
I glared at her and demanded coldly, "What do you want Trish?"
She rose from the couch where she was sitting and started to approach me but stopped when I held my hand out and snarled, "That is close enough, what ever you have to say make it quick otherwise I will be late for group."
She brought her hand up and started to chew on one of her pinky nail and started to speak again but all that came out was as unintelligible squeak. I felt my temper start to boil then and spat out bitterly, "Look woman if all you came her to do was squeak at me save it." I pivoted quickly and started to storm away but was stopped when she finally found her voice.
"Vergil please wait." She said softly.
It was the please that made me stop. That one word that I didn't think was in her vocabulary. I turned back around slowly. And wished I hadn't. How dare she. How dare she cry. She had no right to cry. None. After everything that she subjected me too she had the unimaginable cheek to stand there with tears in her eyes. I hissed at her, "Don't you dare."
She dashed the tears away and started to speak again in that same honeyed voice that she had used on me as a child. And I suddenly remembered a part of my past that I had managed to blank out. A past that I had chosen to forget. What was it that brought this fresh wave of memories to the foreground, was it her voice or the tears on her cheeks. Those same soft sweet tones that had belonged to my mother. The voice that had haunted me and tormented me in my waking hours and in my nightmares. The harsh criticizing words of 'You are a disappointment Vergil.' 'If you weren't so weak you could have saved me.' 'Dante would have been strong enough to protect me.' Then it would change her words would change just like her demeanor. Softly spoken words of seduction, words of, 'Pleasure me Vergil.' Her hands soft, warm and gentle stroking and touching my body demanding a response from me. Her mouth, hot and wet against me. When I was old enough to achieve an erection it was her that came to me and fed me the drugs that despite my protest and willing for it not to. My body would respond and I would go from unwilling to being an insatiable beast. Needing to fed the hunger that the aphrodisiacs raised in me. And I Would take her over and over again, giving into her demands to be fucked. And fuck her I would. Fuck her and anyone else who wanted me. I was anybody and everybody's meat. And the things I would let them do to me. Things that I eventually managed to block out. Until now.
I shook my head in denial as I saw all those horrible memories flash in fast-forward before my eyes. Memories that I had eventually convinced myself were not mine, but someone else’s. I had always tried to be mother and father's 'good' boy. And things like that didn't happen to 'good' children. They weren't supposed to happen to anyone. But they had. They had happened to me.
"No!" I said softly. Wanting and needing to make it all go away again. But no matter how much I protested they would not go back behind the wall that I had built to keep them at bay. The wall was like any other great fortitude that had been built, when the crack in it was found all that was needed was the right amount of pressure and it would collapse in a heap of rubble and leave you vulnerable. I started to scream and cry, "It didn't happen to me. It didn't happen to me." But it had and I knew it.
Trish stepped forward to...what? Comfort me? I didn't know. The only thing that I was aware of was that I needed to get away from her. I needed to go to my safe place. Not my happy place, but my safe one. I felt my inner fortitude start to throw up bricks again and I knew that soon my wall would be in place again.
"NO!" I screamed at her, "Don't you touch me." But it was to no avail. I may as well have not spoken for she touched me and I knew in that moment that I was one of the damned.
I hit my knees and continued to howl and scream out my horror's but nothing I could do would erase them from my mind or ease the sorrow which was me. The sorrow of the little boy knowing that the woman who was being cruel to him was not his mother but someone else who looked like her and sounded like her. The only thing that was different was her smell, that was something that they couldn't duplicate. The sweet smell that was Eva Sparda. Eventually they broke him and when they had succeeded she was there. Mother, but not mother, to help him rebuild who he was. They turned him from the wide eyed innocent into a cold hearted ruthless machine. A machine of destruction and vengeance. A machine who's only worth was his ability to follow orders without question and to pleasure those who were in his masters favor.
I felt her arms wrap around me as I relived those times. The times when he would want something done and send his Dark Vengeance to accomplish it. I tried to pull away but was held fast in her arms. I wasn't entirely sure what I was expecting her to say or do but I knew that I would have never expected her to say that she was sorry, but she did.
"I'm sorry Vergil. So very sorry for what I did to you. For what I allowed to be done to you." She said softly against my ear. I turned my head slightly and my cheek brushed against hers and the salty tears that fell from her eyes and trailed down her cheeks mixed with my own. She spoke again, "I understand fully that you can't forgive me. Why should you? When I can't forgive myself. I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry. I should have stood up to Mundus and told him that I wouldn't do it." She trembled against me and I knew in my heart and in my soul that she had had her own cross to bear during that time.
She continued to tremble and cry in my arms, "I was afraid Vergil, so very afraid of what he would do to me. I was nothing more then his puppet, his creation. I tortured you and betrayed Dante. I have been nothing but a scourge on the noble name and house of Sparda. My tongue should be ripped from my mouth for my daring to speak that honorable name."
She tried to pull away from me but I held her fast and tight. She was remorseful in what she had done to me. She was as much of his victim as I was. She had been created by him for one sole purpose and that was to aide in the destruction of the Sparda name. I knew that if I forgave her it would help me heal. She needed my forgiveness as much as I needed to give it to her. I wanted and needed people to forgive me for what I had done to them in the past. Was I any different then her. Was my moral high ground any less rocky then hers. The answer to that question was, 'No', it wasn't.
I brought my hand up and brushed the tears off her cheeks and said softly, "I forgive you Trish." It was heartfelt and sincere. I felt my own tears begin anew only this time they wee not the tears of the damned, but tears of healing. Tears that helped wash away that hurt.
"How? How Vergil?" Trish hiccoughed out.
Somehow I managed to smile through my tears and answered her question, "We were his pawns Trish. Pawns that he used in his sick and twisted games." I brought her in close to me again and said, "You were as much his victim as I was Trish. I don't know what else to tell you. I don't know what you want me to say. If you want me to hate and revile you. I can't do it. I just can't."
I really didn't understand why and how I had blocked all that out until now, I needed to speak with my therapist about this break through. Why now? I had seen her before this. Why now was I plagued with these memories about my past. Was it the innocent child I had been that had made those things 'go away' and only let me remember digging myself out of hell. I didn't know what I knew anymore. I needed to know.
Current mood:
crushed.Current music: none.
This year Halloween and my birthday went really well. The Halloween Party that we had was amazing. From what I observed Jael and my father hit it off right away. On our first night home, I am not sure what time he finally made it to his room since I was otherwise occupied. I felt guilty about it the next morning, since I had invited him I should have been the one that stayed and entertained him instead of spending the night in Dante's arms.
I did play the part of host up to a point though. When I showed Jael to his room, it was no surprise to me to see the uniform of a Roman General laid out across the bed. I smiled to myself, I hadn't been sure if Jael would have his own costume or not, so during a recent telephone conversations with father I had told him about Jael and ask him to find a costume. I knew who he was supposed to be dressed in that costume, no ordinary general for Jael, not at-tall, he was going to be Marc Anthony. I explained to him about the costume and he in typical Jael fashion just smirked and murmured something about being able to pull this off, since it would be gauche and extreme bad manners to come dressed as himself.
As for me, to make Dante happy, I dressed the part of a woman again. Since he has told me that I have the legs to carry off the micro-mini's. I had seriously considered being a go-go dancer but had changed my mind and had everybody guessing what I represented in my electric neon blue micro-mini dress with matching 3" stiletto heels. It was father who actually figured it out and as the midnight hour approached he came over to me and said sotto voc, "I know who you are my son?"
I replied, "Do you now?"
He arched an eyebrow, and I had to laugh, knowing that was where I had got that particular expression from, he smiled and continued, "Oh yes and I shall reveal to all when I have the band play a request. And since my powers of deduction have succeeded where other's failed you have to pay a forfeit and I declare that forfeit be a dance."
I groaned, it's not that I didn't like to dance, because I did I really did enjoy dancing, it's just that I thought I had had everyone fooled this year.
Dante was the only exception. He knew what I represented, had known as soon as I had him zip me up. He had bit my neck and growled, "You have to shimmy for me baby, otherwise you and your sweet ass aren't getting out of this bedroom." I had promised him that I would since he hadn't complained at all when I gave him the gold bikini bottom. Instead he had licked along his upper lip and responded, "Ah Flash Gordon huh?" Then laughed, knowing that he was going to be Rocky from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
I knew that Dante loved to see me shimmy he had told me once that nobody shook their ass as good as I could. I dropped one of my eyelids down in a slow and sultry wink and replied for him alone, "For you my love anything." Then to my father, "Well father make your announcement to appease the masses curiosity."
I reluctantly pulled away from Dante and followed our father to where the band he had hired for the occasion was just finishing up. He signaled for the lead singer to wait, then whispered to him and smiled obviously receiving the answer that he wanted stepped over to the microphone and said in that soft cultured voice, "Before the band plays the traditional birthday song for my sons, I know that several of you are wondering what Vergil's costume is this year. Instead of answering myself I am going to let the band do the honors."
The band broke into the first strains of 'Devil With A Blue Dress On', and as I promised my Dante I shimmied for him and only him, not caring that I had an audience, it didn't matter. This was for Dante.
As soon as the band was finished singing they started playing 'Happy Birthday', which signaled the chef to bring in the monstrosity, all right it really wasn't a monstrosity it was a four tiered birthday cake. After we blew out the candles and had cake, Dante and I excused ourselves, leaving the guests to party till dawn.
Dante and I had a different celebration planned, one that involved him giving me a birthday spanking, his rod of chastisement being his hard throbbing length. I knew from experience that he would last much longer then the 25 strokes. I shuddered with anticipation, even though we had spent several hours last night making love with each other, I could never get enough of him. And if his reaction was any indication he couldn't get enough of me either, since once roused he could go for hours.
He had said it best one night while we were watching television and a commercial came on for male enhancements. The warning being that if you had an erection that lasted longer than four hours to seek medical attention. He had scoffed at the announcement and said sardonically, "If I have a hard-on that doesn’t last four hours I'll worry."
There were three different reactions to that announcement, our father had choked on his tea, Nero, our younger brother, had bowed in front of Dante and said, 'I'm not worthy.' As for me I blushed furiously and murmured under my breath, 'Dante behave.' To which he replied, 'No! That takes all the fun out of life.'
But I digress, that night after he had oh so slowly and carefully undressed me. Kissing exposed flesh over and over again Dante made love with me, with a gentleness that left me breathless and stunned. And when I felt his lips and tongue on my cheek I realized that I had been crying. When my Dante ask if he had hurt me I replied the only way I could, since speaking and higher brain functions were elusive to me. I shook my head no and wrapped my arms and legs tighter around his body. Pulling him in closer and tighter, showing him with a roll of my hips that I wanted and needed him to continue what he had been doing to me.
He had been gentle before, but never like that. He had kissed each scar on my back tenderly, breathing softly against my flesh. I felt a different moisture against my skin and knew that he was crying. Crying over the fact that my skin that had once been flawless would never be that way again. I heard him whisper, 'So sorry my Vergil. Sorry that I didn't come for you sooner. Sorry that I waited so long to rescue you my princess.' Did it bother me that he referred to me as his princess? No it didn't.
Part of the following day was spent with us opening the small mountain of gifts that we had received. Later after I filled out thank you notes, I managed to run Jael to ground and took him on a tour of the rest of the grounds. When I tried to apologize for my lack of manners in not showing him around earlier he shook it off asking instead if I liked his gift.
How could I not, he had somehow managed to purchase a set of Prismacolor colored pencils and chalks for me. I smiled at him and said softly, "Of course I did Jael. Thank you."
Then being the rogue and scoundrel that he is and always will be no matter how many years of psychotherapy that he receives, he made me blush yet again by smirking and saying, "I would have gotten oils for you to do me in but I wasn't sure if you would want Wesson or Johnsons Baby."
Damn him! Damn, damn, damn him! Double and triple damn him. I wanted him! I wanted him to rip my clothes off, throw me down on the forest floor and fuck me raw and senseless. I wanted him to fuck his way out of my system. Fuck me like the world was going to end when we were finished. Fuck me like we both wanted. I just wanted him to fuck me.
What in the name of hell was wrong with me? I loved and lusted after Dante to distraction, last night after he had made love with me so sweetly and tenderly Dante had fucked me unconscious, you would think that my lust was sated. But being in these woods with Jael you would reiterate that thought and think I hadn't been laid for the past six months. What had he done to me? I knew it wasn't love that I felt for him. I liked him as a friend. Yet I lusted after him. He awoke something in me that cried out for darker and more nefarious things. I briefly wondered if he would be interested in being friends with benefits, then dashed that thought away almost as quickly as it had entered my mind.
I ordered myself to think about Dante and how much we meant to each other and how much we loved and trusted each other. Much to my chagrin I couldn't recall his face. And even though I still carried the rich heady scent of him on my skin it was overshadowed by the subtle fragrance of Jael's aftershave.
Damn it Vergil Angelo Sparda you need to stop, I ordered myself yet again. You need to stop these thoughts before they really get you into a situation that you can't get out of. But what could I do? I wanted him and somehow in my heart I knew that it would be more then just a one night stand. I was cynical enough to know that it wasn't going to be happily ever after. But I knew that we would always remain friends. Right now I needed to talk to Dante. Needed his...what permission? I felt like I did. later, later I would talk to Dante later, right now I was enjoying this time with Jael.
I had to look at him again and glanced covertly to the side. The wind chose that moment to pick up slightly and blow autumn leaves around us in a whirly dervish of riotous color. shrouding he and I in cloaks of brown, orange, red and gold. I saw a look on his face that I would have never guessed that he could get. He looked...he looked serene and at peace. I captured that moment in my memory. Knowing that later I would be bringing this particular scene to life on canvas.
We continued our walk both silent in our thoughts. Mine had eventually stopped being about Jael ravishing me, and where about my mental health. I was worried and contemplative, would I ever be well enough to come home. I still had some episodes that the medication didn't seem to help with. They were no longer violent and I was no longer bent on world destruction, but I still had them, There were mornings that I would wake up so depressed that all I wanted to do was crawl back between my sheets and hide from the world. Then there were mornings that I would wake up in such a optimistic good mood that I made Pollyanna and Mary Sunshine seem like that were non-starters. Wow I guess I am manic depressive after all. One thing that was easy to nail down was the fact that yes I am bi-polar or what is also termed as seasonal depression, I have found that that full spectrum lighting is very beneficial to me when one of my darker and blacker moods sits in.
I knew that it was best for me to go back to the asylum but there were times like this that I didn't want to ever go back. I enjoyed my freedom. I needed my freedom. It gave me time to contemplate the best way to take over several third world countries, then eventually succeed in my plans for global domination. Too obtain my goals I would need minions. Minions that would answer to me and me alone. Minions that would obey my every command without questions. Before I could fall deeper into my fantasy of destruction, my saner self kicked in and spoke for me, "Jael, we need to go back to the house. I hate to cut our vacation short but I have to go back to the asylum. I have to go back to keep everyone safe."
I hated to admit it hated to admit my weakness. To me it was failure. I was Vergil Angelo Sparda and I did not fail and I wasn't weak.
But I had and I was.
Current mood:
confused.Current music: The Beatles 'One'.
Here it is almost Halloween and I am on my way home for an extended weekend to not only celebrate that holiday but also mine and Dante's birthday which falls on November 1st.
Jael is sitting across from me in the limo that father sent to pick us up, he is quiet and is looking out the window, staring at the passing landscape, he was nursing the tumbler of Grey Goose Vodka that I had poured for him earlier. Yes he quiet and very introspective. I really appreciate the quietness it gives me time to think as well. Time that I need, time to figure out how in the hell do I tell my family about the things that happened to me while I was in Mundus 'tender' care and at his 'mercy'.
How could I tell my family that I had been anybodies meat. I was nothing, lower then an animal, from the time that I was 8 years old and had felt the last of my innocence run down my face in salty waterfalls and the back of my thighs in a river of blood, semen and worse things. I was a victim. I had no voice to protest. That is until much later, when I had become strong enough to fight off and kill any who dared to try and use me in that way. Huth, I did have my revenge. I systematically hunted down and executed everyone that had dared to violate me when I was weak. All of them...except for him. Except for Mundus.
Dante had asked me several times about the scars on my back, scars that had been given with a whip that had been forged in the fires of hell. Scars that no matter what would not heal or fade. Did I wear them in shame? At first I had, now I looked at them as a badge of honor, they showed what I had survived. He knew that I had been beaten, he just didn't know for what. I chuckled darkly to myself and catching my reflection I could see that I had a half smirk half sneer on my mouth. I had been a rebellious slave and for that I was beaten. I was beaten for so many different things it was hard to pinpoint anything in particular, except for the fact that I refused to call Mundus Master.
My memory clouded over again and I saw myself as the eight year old child that I had been, squaring my shoulders, holding my head high and proud and shouting at Mundus, "I am Sparda and we bow to no one. They bow to us." Little did I know when I first uttered those words that they would become my battle cry, my mantra, my security blanket. The cloak that I would clutch around me to hide how very hurt I actually was.
The physical abuse was horrific, but the worst was the mental and emotional abuse. It was all so real the images that were shown tome over and over again. Images of father and mother and Dante and how very happy they were that I was gone. Their laughter that would torment me followed by the words of how very stupid I was and how they were better off without me, how Dante had been their favorite and the child that mother was now pregnant with would be a much better son then I ever was. In my heart I knew it wasn't true, but the images burned like acid into my brain.
I shook the memory away as I felt the limo start to pull to a halt, before it was completely stopped one of the doors was yanked open and I was grabbed out of the car into an exuberant hug by my father and was quickly passed over to our brother Nero whose hug was just as enthusiastic. He had been unable to make it home any of the other times that I had also been there. The next thing I was aware of I was being hugged and kissed by my Dante. His lips traveled over to my ear and he whispered, "Damn baby I've missed you. How long are you home?"
I was close to breathless and I knew that later tonight he would welcome me home in that special way that only Dante could. I turned my head and nibbled on his lips and murmured, "We have to go back on Monday. Now put me down so I can introduce you to Jael."
I heard father talking to Jael, welcoming him to our home. I blushed slightly over the fact that I had forgotten my manners. It really wasn't all my fault, all Dante had to do was kiss me and my IQ dropped by about 150 points. I had the mental image of someone rubbing two sticks above my head and one of those little cartoon thought balloons with the words, 'Ugh! Caveman start fire.' And why oh why did I feel my forehead start to slope and my knuckles drag the ground.
Dante's hand rested on my ass and the thought process that I had oh so recently got back evaporated before I could contemplate further what to call reverse evolution. Since I was very quickly regressing to either a Neanderthal or Cro-Magnon man. "Stop that." I hissed at him, when that naughty hand curled around one of my butt cheeks and squeezed suggestively. Twisting away from him I grabbed his elbow and led him over to where father was still speaking with Jael.
Waiting for them to finish what they had been talking about I said softly, "Your pardon father, Jael for my breech in manners on not supplying the proper introductions. Please allow me to do so now." And even though he had already met my father and Nero, I introduced Jael to them again and lastly to my Dante. Smiling softly up at my father I asked, "Which room?" To which he replied, "The black and gold. It will suit him."
In that instant I knew that father was correct. The black and gold would suit Jael. If I were a guest instead of the 'prodigal' son come home, I would choose that room for myself. The walls had been painted a pale gold to offset the rest of the furniture. The head and foot board of the king sized bed was carved from black oak, the 'comforter' that was flung across it was made from mink and the Egyptian cotton linens matched the pale gold of the walls.
There was an overstuffed chair by one of the windows that continued the motif, being black with a few gold pillows on it. Behind the bed was a tapestry that was depicted a fallen angel that woke in the arms of a mortal woman. The thick carpeting on the floor had been woven in a subtle black and gold geometric design. The color scheme continued into the bathroom that was en-suite, the tiles being a marbled black and gold. The towels and fixtures were gold, where the commode, basin, and sunken tub were black.
"Come on Jael and I'll show you to your room." I said and started up towards the house, that was already decorated for Halloween. It suddenly struck me that Jael did not know about what we were. I had to let him know before we got into the house and were mauled to death by the hounds.
Before I could tell him my father said, "Vergil, my son, he knows about us."
Nero smirked and said sardonically, "Wow and he still showed up?"
Dante grinned and grabbed our bags from the chauffeur and said, "Well come on. The sooner we get this shit..." He stopped mid-sentence when he saw the look that crossed fathers face, "...uh make that stuff put away, the sooner dad will let us eat." Then took off at a run for the house.
I shrugged my shoulders and chuckled slightly and said, "Come on Jael." Not completely dropping the matter of him knowing about our genealogy. I said sotto voc, even though it wouldn't do any good at-tall, "If there is anything you wish to know, please ask my father or I and we will answer your questions to the best of our ability."
Current mood:
content.Current music: Cheryl Crow.
It was one of those rare days when we actually have free time for the afternoon. So after lunch I invited Jael back to my room and showed him the charcoal sketch that I had done earlier.
I had to chuckle, I had always assumed that I was the most vain person that ever drew breath, but Jael proved me wrong. He preened and strutted around my room like a peacock showing off his fine plumage.
I shook my head and continued to laugh softly and told him to make himself comfortable on my bed while I pulled out my colored pencils and a different sketch book. This one bigger the paper a much higher grade.
Turning back around my mouth went dry and my fingers and hands went numb and I came close to dropping my pencils. Jael had most definitely made himself comfortable, by stripping off all his clothes and stretching out proud and nude on my bed. The only bit of modesty that he had shown was Pooky covering his manhood. I knew I was staring, how could I not. Jael was without a doubt the most spectacular man that I had ever seen, and I had seen some pretty amazing men, Dante had topped that list until now but I knew that if he could see what I did, he would probably agree with me about Jael. He was all golden and well muscled in all the right places.
I couldn't help but wonder if that golden skin was natural or if he tanned, if it was the later, then he did it sans clothing. Since there were no lighter lines to mar that perfect golden line of flesh. I put the box of pencils down and spun back around to adjust myself so he couldn't see the obvious effect he had had on me. Damn it Dante had been the only one that had ever affected me that quickly. I heard it the low dark chuckle and knew it was him, and I knew that he knew that he had made me get hard for him without so much as a touch.
I pivoted around and somehow managed to control my breathing, my voice had grown husky, "Are you molesting Pooky?"
The answer was an arched brow and a smirk, my reply was of course blushing again especially when he rotated his hips against the soft brown fur of my teddy bear. That movement made me also notice that he was devoid of hair on his groin, and I wondered if he shaved or if he was a pain junkie and waxed. Me I was naturally devoid of body hair. When I had been reunited with my family, I had spoken with father about that fact and he told me that some of are race don't get it, others get hair in their arm pits and on their groin and legs, where some were so hirsute that you could throw them in front of a fire in place of a bear skin rug. He and I shared that trait where Dante did get hair in all the normal places and I wondered if it were because he had embraced our human side my quickly then I had.
I smiled over at Jael and indicated that he were to turn to his side. When he had I found that I was unhappy with the way he was positioned and went over to adjust him to where he was the way that I wanted him. I moved one of his legs up to where it was cocked slightly in front of him, concealing yet framing that glorious piece of flesh that was quickly gaining my undivided attention. I moved the arm he wasn't laying on up behind his head, giving an unimpeded view of his sculpted pecs and abs. I explained to him, "I didn't like the other position that you were in Jael." I stepped back and gazed down at him and saw that his eyes were sparkling with unsuppressed mischief and there was a delighted grin on his face.
I didn't need to ask what he was thinking because I got a full blown image of it in my mind and heard him as clearly as if he had spoken, "Well fuck me stupid baby if you want to 69 all you have to do is ask." Once more my cheeks pinkened. Damn him anyway. No one had ever made me blush this much, I thought I was far to jaded to even consider being embarrassed, but he made me feel like I was still an innocent, when I was far from that. So far from being innocent that I was actually surprised that the word was still in my vocabulary.
To give Jael snaps, props, credit, whatever you want to call it he didn't say anything about my blushing, instead he relaxed back on the pillows and I began drawing him. He was a fantastic model, he didn't start to squirm at-tall and after a couple of hours passed I asked if he were thirsty or if he needed to get up and stretch. He did indicate that yes he was thirsty and either a cup of coffee or tea would be very nice indeed. He also told me that he needed to use the head.
I went and got us each a cup of coffee and when I returned he was sitting on the edge of the bed holding Pooky whispering something to him. I arched a brow and handed him his cup and smirked, "I had them put extra sugar in it for you. I figured you could use the help."
He snorted and took a sip of the coffee then sat the cup down on my nightstand and kicked back into the position that I had placed him in. I let my eyes rake over him pretending to see if her were posed correctly, there was one minor, make that major difference, instead of being semi-aroused as he had been before he was now blatantly hard and I could see that there were tiny drops of love dew on the head of his straining erection. Once again my mouth went dry and I couldn't fight the gasp that escaped my lips. "How would he taste?" The thought sprang unbidden into my lust befuddled brain, "Would he be salty, sweet, spicy or a combination of the three?" I closed my eyes and ordered myself to stop my wayward thoughts before I was across the room and humping his leg. I needed to start looking at him in a 'clinical ' way instead of like I was at the moment. At this precise time and place I was staring at him like a wet dream on two legs.
I heard my door open and heard Jael ask the intruder if he saw something that he liked before my door slammed shut and we were left in privacy again. The brief interruption helped me get my raging libido under control and I continued the drawing. I was just putting the finishing touches on it when the bell sounded that it was the dinner hour. I quickly added one last thing to the drawing before I signed it. It was just a little something I did in each of my drawings or paintings, I added a little touch that made it mine, made it personal to me. I picked up the silver pencil and through his navel I quickly drew a snake navel ring, and just because I could I gave it piercing blue eyes. AFter I signed it I said, "I am finished if you'd like to see it Jael."
I started to ramble then a sure sign that I was nervous, "I'd like to do you in oil sometime Jael."
His response, which caused me to flush red from the roots of my hair to the soles of my feet was, "I'd like for you to do me in whipped cream and hot fudge." The look he gave me was wickedly evil. Lust incarnate and later that night as I was trying to sleep I would remember that look. That look that look that promised hedonistic pleasures on top of that was the smell of him that clung to my bed and Pooky. When sleep finally did claim me I was visited by erotic dreams and I woke with my hand around my length and hot liquid pearls of desire shooting up my stomach and Jael's name on my lips and tongue.
Current mood:
naughty.Current music: none.
I knew that I needed to talk to Dante but before I could I needed to sit down and self-analyze some of the nightmares that I have been having.
There was so much I needed to tell him so very much and I knew the hardest thing of all would be for me to tell him how I was responsible for our mothers death, how I had failed to protect her. How I had failed him and father. But mostly how I had failed myself. I was the eldest son of Sparda and with that honor I should have been infallible, those around me untouchable. I was certain that father and Dante may have suspected this but what they didn't know was my deepest darkest secret. The secret that had led me down a path where there was no redemption, a place where I had damned my very soul.
I knew that when I closed my eyes I would see it again see the day that had sealed my fate. See him the arch devil lord that came to me and offered me the world. His name was Mephisto, Mephistopheles, and the list went on into eternity. Even at the tender age of six I knew that wasn't his real name, It was the one he chose at that time, he had used several over the vast span of time that he had been alive. But I digress, he came to me and gave me a choice, a choice that I had no other alternative but to accept.
He had told me that he had come to kill my mother and my Dante, but he offered to spare them...if...if I gave him my soul. That was his price to spare my beautiful and sweet mother and my beloved brother. There was no choice for me, so I accepted.
If I had known then what I found out just a few short years later I wouldn't have made that deal. The deal that damned me. How was I to know when I was six, that with the exception of my father, who was a noble man even though he was a devil, that they, the dwellers in the Underworld, were consummate liars. Ah the innocence of youth. The innocence that led you around wearing blinders to what a horrible place the world actually is.
Father had left for what was supposed to be a short business trip, but what had turned into us, Dante, mother and I thinking he had abandoned us. What we did not know at the time was that he had been run afoul be demons that served the same master as the ones that had been sent to execute the line of Sparda.
Closing my eyes I saw that day saw it as clearly as if it just happened. Dante and I had just celebrated our 8th birthday and mother had given us half of the amulet that father had worn around his neck and we had each been given one of his swords. I being the oldest got to choose first and chose the piece of amulet that was set in gold, not because I knew that Dante had wanted that half, but because I knew that Dante had wanted that half. Confusing? Not really. I wanted to have that half so that everytime I looked at it, I would not only remember father, but also Dante.
In my memory I saw that I closed my eyes and let my hand run over the hilts of the swords, I felt a jump in power when my hand hovered over the katana Yamato and I knew that the elegant weapon had chosen me to be it's new wielder.
I opened my eyes again and still saw the past with crystal clearity, it was a few days after our November 1st birthday and I was on my way home from school. Dante was home sick, he had gorged himself stupid on way too much Halloween candy and leftover birthday cake. We both knew that if father had been home he would have been forced to suck it up and go to school anyway, but mother was a soft touch where we were concerned.
As I approached the house I instantly knew that something was very, very wrong. I started to run towards the house knowing with no uncertainty that I had to get there and save them. save mother and Dante.
The huge figure of the demon that I had made the deal with manifested before me and roared, his breath fetid, "Oh no young Sparda. You are going nowhere." Over the deafening roar of the wind that was coming form his beating wings I heard my mother screaming, "No not my Vergil, not my Dante. You will not harm my children."
Reaching down that link that I shared with Dante I pulled the trump card, the eldest twin card and said, "Run Dante, run and never look back." I know he felt me and heard me because he started to protest and once again I threw the elder card and ordered him silently, "Damn you Te' do as I say and run. I swear to you that one day I will find you my brother, my beloved Dante."
I heard it again mother screaming, not for mercy for herself but for mercy for us. Mercy for her children and I loved her all the more for it. I felt it, I felt it down i the depths of my heart and soul when that demon crushed the life out of her heart, and in my minds eye I saw the light that was in her beautiful blue eyes fade to nothing and I saw her chest raise on last time to breathe her last breath. I heard her whisper one last time, "Sparda."
I was screaming, "Mother." and trying to fight my way past him but was unable too. I called him what he was a liar and an oath breaker and I heard him say, "No young Sparda I am none of those things that you call me. I never agreed to a time limit, next time you make a deal with the devil make sure you know exactly what is behind curtain number 1 where Carol Merrill is standing."
I felt his clawed hand enter my rib cage and grab my heart and start to crush it. Before it beat it's last he was knocked aside by something, something that was blurry something that had come to save me. Something that later would think I was dead and bury me.
I started to shake and when it finally stopped I found that I was no longer trapped in the past but back in my spacious room at Bedlam. Glancing over at the wall above my desk I saw that tomorrow was visiting day. Tomorrow I would see Dante and I would tell him about the small part of my past and wait for him to condemn me. But now it was time to go to the common room and associate with the rest of the touched. I hoped that Jael and or Sho were out of solitary confinement. I missed talking to them. It was nice having someone, other then myself to have an intelligent conversation with.
Grabbing my sketch book and charcoal's I made my way out to the common room and found that Jael was out of solitary and at the moment he was in profile against one of the windows. The sun shining in around him making his blond hair appear to be spun from gold, the rest of him was bathed in this etheral light. He was dressed like he always was in that long brown leather trench coat and a pair of cammies. The way the light was hitting him he actually looked like an avenging angel come to Earth.
Hooking my foot in a chair I pulled it over to me and started to sketch him. Needing and wanting to capture him like this. Later I would invite him to my room and do a more formal one of him using colored pencils or chalks. But this casual 'pose' was him, all that Jael was and more.
Current mood:
creative.
I know in my last journal entry I made it sound like I actually enjoyed sleeping. Truth of the matter was that I only did it because my body needed it. Almost every night since I had left Casa de Cuckoo and was no longer drugged out of my mind I was having horrific nightmares, each one always led to the same conclusion, Dante being dead and my being responsible for it. Each night that I didn't spend in the warm, safe comfort of his embrace I would be assaulted by the night terrors.
The curtain that hid my nightmare opened and I found that once again I was in hell. Not literally but it felt like it. I was trapped in one of the nightmares that I had been having, in this one I killed my handsome and noble brother/lover Dante.
He was extremely happy and for that I grateful. He had found the perfect woman, and she had understood that we had history, that we did love each other completely and that we did make love with each other on occasion. She didn't mind she had said that what Dante and I shared was beautiful, that was how I knew it was a dream.
He was also a dad and had three little tow-headed children who had the misfortune of looking exactly like him, but were also fortunate enough to look like me.
I had followed him downstairs to the basement to help him get decorations for the Halloween party that they were having. All I had to do was kiss him senseless and he agreed that I could come in my Majin as a costume, that it would be dressing up enough for me.
He strutted over to one of the many shelves and said, "Hey Verge, come and help me with this box." He turned and smiled with that roguish grin that only he could get.
I walked over to where he was reaching up to get a box and said, "You are so very beautiful Dante." I rubbed against his hard back with my equally hard chest and brought my head around so I could nibble on his earlobe. I ground my pelvis against his tight ass and husked out, "Yes so very beautiful, but in this position you have also left yourself very, very...vulnerable." With movements that not even my devil eyes could follow I had Yamato out and was beheading him.
A soft voice filtered down the stairs, "Darling, are you finished with that mess yet?"
Sneering down at the body of my fallen brother I wipe his blood off of Yamato on his shirt tail and sheathe it. Answering her question with, "Just finishing up my love." Then go up the stairs to join my family.
Sitting at the table I pick up my coffee cup the cup that said, '#1 Daddy and Husband.' Took a sip and watched in horror as my family was ripped apart by the spiders that exploded from their skin and skittered across the room to devour me.
Scrambling away from them I hit what was supposed to be the back wall of the kitchen and fell through a hole and landed with a thump on my ass.
That hurt!
I knew that in dreams you could think that you felt and scented things but in actuality you couldn't. I blinked several times against the brightness and realized that wherever the hell I was I was not at home. I would not be able to reach over and find Dante safe and alive in bed beside me. I would not be able to hear the steady sound of his heartbeat.
Damn it my ass hurt from where I had fallen. Standing up I knew that I hadn't fractured my tailbone, looking around I saw that I had been sitting on a throne, a throne that had been formed of rock and bones. The hand rests were the skulls of my enemies. The floor rug that covered the area from door to the foot of the stairs leading up to my throne was that deep rich red color of dried blood and I knew that was exactly what had colored this particular rug.
The double entry doors opened and my slaves brought the next prisoner in. This one I knew oh so well. This prisoner who was flung before me naked and in chains was my dear sweet brother Dante. He was so very real, so real that I could smell him, smell his warm, spicy cologne and that scent that made him Dante. That smell of leather, sweat and sex, and I found that I was growing hard with want for him.
I shook my head in confusion, why was he here? Bound and helpless before me. He had been beaten and tortured that was obvious due to the fact that he was broken and bleeding. I looked at the two sycophants that had brought him in to me and said, "Leave us!"
Kneeling down in front of him, I reached my hand out tentatively to touch his cheek, part of me terrified because I knew that I was caught in another twisted chapter of my perpetual nightmare. My voice caught in my throat and I managed to ask softly, "Are you flesh?"
I ran my fingers down his cheek and found that yes indeed he was flesh, I wrapped my arms around his body burying my face against his shoulders only to feel him tense in my arms. Then he spoke and his voice that used to be so full of laughter and life was as broken as his body, "I never realized you hated me this much Vergil."
That comment threw me, hated him. I didn't hate him. Granted I hated some of the things he had done in the past but never him, never my Dante. I loved him. And for the first time since I had been plagued by the dreams I apologized.
"Dante, oh god Dante. Please forgive me for what I have done to you." It didn't matter at that point if I was still dreaming. If I was, he could turn into whatever horror he wanted to and rend me apart and it would be all right.
I reached behind him and removed the shackles that held him prisoner and wrapped my arms around him again needing to hold him and to make sure that he was flesh and not spirit. I felt his arms wrap around me and draw me in even closer to his body. And his voice his voice washed over me as he spoke again, "I have to do this Vergil, and I hope that someday I will be able to forgive myself."
Somehow he was healed and he had all his strength back, he pushed away from me and was suddenly behind me with Rebellion drawn and biting into my neck. "I could forgive you for all of it Verge. All of it. Your betraying me and trying to destroy the human race, but the thing that I can never forgive you for is you not protecting our mother. She screamed for you Vergil she screamed for you to come and help her but you never did. You are a cowardly curr. You ran Vergil, you ran and left she and I to die." He paused for breath and I tried to explain only to be silenced by him roaring, "Shut up Vergil. Just shut the fuck up. You had your turn to talk. Now it's my turn."
Dante grabbed a handful of my hair and yanked my head back bringing the huge blade of Rebellion around to press against my tender exposed throat. "You left us to die Vergil. You left mother to die and me to die while you ran away and I hate you for it."
In the next instant I felt my head leave my shoulder blades and then everything went black. I woke with a choking sob and for a few seconds I was disoriented. Blinking several times I managed to clear my thoughts and realize that it had been a dream nothing more then a horrific nightmare.
Like those that came before this one I knew that it was due to unresolved business and I knew that the next time I saw Dante I needed to tell him the truth about our mother. The truth on why I had left the way I had.
The truth...would he be able to handle it. I prayed that he would and that he would be able to forgive me from my sins.
Current mood:
confused.Current music: none.
I haven't talked too much about the new facility that I am in. All that I can really say is that it is much nicer the Casa De Cuckoo. I can't for the life of me remember what the name of the place is so I just stick to calling it Bedlam.
I really do try and participate in group therapy. At least the people here are not drugged into catatonic states of being.
There are a two that I talk to on a regular basis, outside of group,one I suppose you could say is a lot like me. We both have been told repeatedly that we suffer from delusions of grandeur and have a kick your ass complex. His name is Jael Springsteen. In the last facility he was in he too proved that you can shove someone through a security window. That person made the mistake of calling him Bruce. I honestly don't know if Springsteen is his last name. I really don't think it is considering anytime someone refers to him as Mr. Springsteen he just laughs manically and grins like he is totally deranged.
The other is Sho, no last name just Sho. He is very quiet and introspective and the only time he speaks is when it is important or has some major bearing on the conversation at hand. He hasn't opened up in group and there are times that I actually thank god that he never had to face the horrors that I did at Casa De Cuckoo. Although when I look into his eyes I see someone that has been through his own nightmares. I wonder about that though. Are they actually nightmares if they are true?
He also reminds me of myself in some ways. We have both had our share of pain in the past and in dealing with that pain we are guaranteed to have more of it in present and our future. I feel that I am starting to get redundant in coming up with either movie quotes or song lyrics in my ramblings, but there are times that they just fit. And this one fits not only me, but also Sho and Jael and anyone else who has been through the experiences that we have.
You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
I've been living on the edge so long, where the winds of limbo roar
And I'm young enough to look at, and far too old to see
All the scars are on the inside
I'm not sure that there's anything left of me
Don't let these shakes go on, it's time we had a break from it
It's time we had some leave
We've been living in the flames
We've been eating up our brains
Oh please, don't let these shakes go on.
You ask me why I'm weary, why I can't speak to you
You blame me for my silence, say it's time I changed and grew
But the war's still going on, dear, and there's no when that I know
And I can't stand forever
I can't say if we're ever gonna be free
Those poignant lyrics are by the band Blue Oyster Cult and they had it right. The war that we, the insane, fight is an everyday occurrence. How is it our fault that we can't tell you how we feel when we don't know ourselves? How can we explain that we want to scream and rage but we don't know why? How can we be expected to be functioning members of a society that reviles our very existence?
Some of us we have the scars on the outside as well as the in. Those are the ones that the world can see. The ones that some of us wear as badges of honor where others wear them as a cloak of shame.
Are any of us wrong?
No!
Are any of us right?
No!
Can we be both?
Hmmm? Can we be both?
Yes, we can be wrong and right at the same time. What works for some may not work for others but that doesn't make the solutions incorrect.
Am I trying to get better? Yes I am. I want to go home and stay there. I want to go home and fall asleep in Dante's arms every night and wake up there the next morning. I want to be able to feel Yamato in my hand again. I want to go on midnight raids in the kitchen and feign innocense or pretend like I were sleepwalking when father catches me. I want to visit my mothers grave and put lilies on it and tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am to have failed her.
Wait? Where did that come from? I failed her? How? I was so very young when she was taken from us. I was too young and too weak to save her or Dante. The rest of that vision is hidden behind a veil of thick black lace. Lace that inpenetrable to my eyes. It does not matter now, for I know that tonight I maybe able to see more of this vision in my dreams.
I really haven't discussed the staff here yet. They are not only better educated but thy seem to have a deeper understanding and are more empathetic to our, we the deranged, needs.
I hope that I can go home again this weekend and see Dante and my father. Kadaj went home with Yazoo and Loz and from what Dante told me is adjusting quite well to life on the outside as long as he remembers to take his meds. Prozac seems to work wonders for our darling Kadaj.
I also found out news about Reno. Dante told me that Rufus ShinRa arranged to have Reno moved to a private nursing home where he too is adjusting quite nicely. Despite his faults he was and still is a good friend he just needed something from me that I couldn't give him.
I know that I am rambling but I don't really care, one of the other things that is extremely nice here is the food. Not only is it edible but there has been no 'mystery meat' surprise, and they actually know what a balanced diet is. I also like the fact that they serve plenty a fresh fruits and vegetables.
Glancing up I catch my reflection in the mirror and realize that I am smirking over the thought of fresh fruit especially when I remembered the fact that I had preformed fellatio on a banana and had named my 'fruity lover' Dante. I couldn't help it I started laughing especially since I remembered in precise detail the reactions I had received because of my orally gratifying a na-na, considering it led to several linen changes the next day because of the nocturnal emissions by several of the other patients. It was their, the staffs, own damn fault if they had let Dante have overnight visits, I would have gotten my sex on a more consistent basis, which would have made me a much nicer person to be around. Dante said it best one night that I may come across as an emotionless block of ice, but once you add the right...um...friction and heat I turn into a blazing inferno of carnality. What he doesn't know is that it is only for him that I lose control and turn into a raging licentious nymphomaniac.
It is getting late and it is almost time for bed. I change into my silk pajama's...alright it's just the bottoms...but I digress, I change and slip in between the blood red cotton sheets that are on my bed grab Pooky, curl up and go to sleep.
(Sorry for the delays in this but I recently moved and have been trying to do so many different things at one time that poor Vergil and his ramblings were inadvertantly shoved on a back burner. So even though the date above is well over a month from his last post he is going to pick this up as if only a few days have passed and now without further ado...)
When I woke up later that afternoon I was in hell once again. Not the Christian hell or any hell that any religion teaches about. I was in the hell that my own psychosis. I felt like I was now truly schizophrenic now.
I wasn't home nor was I in the new facility that father had found for me. I was back in Casa de Cuckoo and this time it was worse then before. They knew now. They knew what truly terrified me, other then being helpless while things happened to my family. I was bound and I was in a glass coffin.
That was not what petrified me with fear, no the coffin didn't bother me, nor did being closed in, since I am not claustrophobic. It was my coffin mates. The coffin was crawling with spiders, inside and out. So even if I could somehow gain my freedom from being closed in the box with those eight legged freaks I would still be petrified with fear.
In my terror I remembered Ronald Wesley 'Why couldn't it be follow the butterflies?' It is amazing what you remember when you are scared literally shitless. I had always been terrified of spiders and had no idea why. There were times that I wished I were more like my brave and noble Dante, who was also scared of spiders but able to knock the fuckers into the afterlife. Granted he would shudder afterwards and do that cute little thing were he'd shake his hands and go 'Blah-laa'! Although in this situation I imagined that Dante would be petrified as well.
I reached out to him needing him to come and rescue me again. But I felt nothing! Nothing from him and nothing from father. I was truly alone trapped in my terror. Trapped in this place and the only two people that could help me were no longer around.
"Where are you?" I managed to get past the lump of horror that was lodged firmly in my throat. Then I saw it in my mind, I saw their tombstones saw that my father and my brother, my lover, my Dante were dead. Along with theirs was mother's, Kadaj's and every person whom I had loved. They were all dead and even though I was past the brink of insanity I knew that it was my fault. I had failed them. I had failed all of them. I hadn't been strong enough to save them. If only I had succeeded in raising the Temin-Ni-Gru then I would have had the power the ultimate power to save them.
God damn it why do the random movie quotes keep popping up in my head? 'Phenomenal Cosmic Power. Itty bitty living spaces.' Fuck Me! Now was not the time to be thinking about Disney movies or any other movies for that matter.
Did I want to be free? No, not anymore. What did I have left to live for? They were all gone. The reasons that I had fought so hard to try and get better were gone. I stopped struggling and closed my eyes and let the madness take me.
I moved my hand up one last time to brush the spiders off my face and felt hair. Opening my eyes I was startled to see Kadaj's face above mine, concern flashing in his beautiful aquamarine cat eyes. Oh his fingertips were tears and I realized that they were mine since my cheeks were wet.
"You were crying." He said softly.
"Are you okay baby?" Dante's concerned voice filtered through my head.
"Vergil my son what is wrong?" My fathers voice.
"Am I in heaven?" I ask my voice tight.
I saw Dante smirk and he replied in the low sexy voice, "As long as you are in my arms. Yeah that's as close to heaven as either of us are going to get."
Father found a different facility for me, this one doesn't seem too bad...yet. My initial intake wasn't as horrific as I had imagined. Instead of locking me in a room and having several doctors ask me the same questions over and over again they only had two, and they let father and Dante be with me. I guess they figured that anything I had to tell them my family already knew.
So here it is almost two weeks later and I and they are still no closer to figuring out what is wrong with me. The one thing that they do agree on is that I am very Narcissistic. Have you seen me? Uh hello, I am gorgeous. They have also told me that my personality is grandiose, but that is something that we can work on at a later date. Right now they are trying to figure out what makes me tick.
Dante and I are were in my private rooms when I told him that, he quickly divested me of my clothing and did a thorough search of my body. I purred in pleasure when he rubbed his cheek along my buttock and said, "I've searched everywhere baby and can't find it."
I moaned when he separated my bum cheeks and touched that sensitive area with his tongue, "Find what?" I panted out.
"The clock that is making you tick." He replied with a growl and had me on my back with my legs in the air. "The only place I haven't searched is here." One finger was gently inserted in me and when he touched that special spot I groaned in pleasure. He continued moving his finger back and forth against me and I continued to cry out my passion for him. "Unless this is it." Dante growled low. "Is that what makes you tick baby? If it is nobody else had better touch it."
By the time he was finished I was very well sated and purring like a cream fed cat. "Why do I always feel so much better after one of your visits Dante?"
He drew my sweat soaked body in close to his and growled, "Because I have the best therapy there is. I let you rage when you need to. I let you do what you need to do at the time. And when things get to bad I help you work out your...tensions." He pulled me under him again and showed me exactly how he helped get rid of my pent up stress, by making love with me for the rest of the night.
When the orderly came in to to bed check he turned pink and pivoted around and walked back out leaving Dante and I alone.
I can say that this institution is much better then Casa de Cuckoo. I can have visitors more frequently then before and Dante is allowed to spend the night. Not every night but the nights that we have together are so very warm and loving. Another great thing is I can go home on visits.
Those make me very happy since I can see my friends. Kadaj is doing extremely well father and Dante spoke with Loz and Yazoo and they listened so he is in an outpatient program, where he reports for meetings and counseling 4 days a week and he is thriving. He and I have not had the chance to go flying but he knows that we will when I can finally come home to stay.
Father told me that he is such a frequent visitor at our home he has his own room. He also told me that Kadaj had absconded with one of my stuffed animals, when I asked which one I was told a tiger. Oh that helped, again I asked, "Which one father? Which tiger?" He scratched his head and said, "Ah yes the white one with the blue eyes and the blue collar." I grinned he had chosen Bartholomeow. He had always been one of my personal favorites and was a very good snuggling buddy and confidant.
I found him in the room that father had given him, he was curled up around Bartholomeow sound asleep. He looked so untarnished in his sleep. He was a fey child come to earth, kicking off my shoes and removing my shirt I crossed the room and lay down in the bed beside him. He started to stir and settled when I said, "Shh Kaj, it's just Verge."
Current mood:
calm.Current music: The crickets chirping outside.
I had been home for a week and during that time I told my father and my Dante about everything that had happened to me while I had been locked away. Now that I wasn't drugged into a stupor I could recall everything that had been done to me.
On my first day home, when I had finished crying I felt Dante's arms go around me and I was scooped up and carried into the bathroom that was off my fathers bedroom. Dante sat me to my feet and started to fill the king sized bathtub full of warm water and added a generous amount of bubble bath to it filling the enclosed are with the warm musky fragrance.
When the tub was filled with bubbles and warm water Dante knelt before me and stripped off the silk pajama bottoms that I was wearing and standing he removed his own. Then he picked me up again and stepped into the sunken tub cradling me close to his broad muscular chest.
Dante didn't say anything to me he just held me close to his smooth warm muscular chest and comforted me. I knew that eventually he would bathe me, wash away the filth of my shame from my body, even though I knew I had nothing to be ashamed of. It still clung to my body like a shroud of shame and I knew that if I was bathing myself I would never feel clean enough, but with Dante, I knew that it would be a renewal for me. I knew when I rose from this tub I wouldn't be a virgin physically but spiritually I would be. The bath was going to be the symbolic cleansing of my body and soul.
I didn't want to go into another institution but I knew for my own safety and the safety of the people that I love I would have to be locked away again. I shuddered against Dante and whispered, "I'm afraid Dante. I'm afraid of what is going to happen to me when I am sent away again." I squirmed around in his arms until I was straddling him. In my wiggling around I managed to arouse him and glancing down I saw the great beast of his manhood lurking beneath the waters surface and couldn't fight nor did I want to the moan of pleasure that escaped my lips.
I leaned forward and rested my head on his shoulder, "I wish that you could come with me Dante. I don't want to be alone and there is no way in hell that I would want Kadaj to have to face any such horror again. I am not well Dante I admit that, but my Kaj is just misunderstood. He does not need to be locked away he just needs someone that will understand him." Here I was snuggled deep in my lovers arms and instead of being concerned about my own well being I was more concerned with Kadaj not being hurt.
I pulled my head away from his shoulder and saw the look of understanding in his eyes, I also saw the look of passionate want flashing in those blue depths and I knew that it was for me and me alone. Leaning in I whispered against his lips, "Bathe me Dante." Then I kissed him, kissed him with every bit of love and passion I possessed. "Bathe me then make love with me. Make it all right for me again." I pleaded with him softly.
He gently pushed me off of his lap and stood, water cascading down is hard nude body. I knew that my own eyes glazed over with lust gazing up at this spectacular man who was looming proud and naked over me. He was an ancient sea god that had sprang from the water. But when I smelled the heat of his lust and saw the glistening drops that decorated the end of his shaft I knew that he was so much more then the sea god but also a god of desire.
He stepped out of the tub and grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his hips, then knelt by the tub and picked up a bathing sponge and squeezed in a generous amount of bath gel into it then worked it into a generous lather and started to rub it over my body. Rewashing areas that would make me moan with pleasure. "Stand up." Dante ordered me and when I had he started at my thighs and worked his way down one of my legs and up the other. He reached my tight ass and soaped over the silky surface cupping each cheek and squeezing drawing more cries from me. He grabbed my hips and turned me to face him and saw that due to his ministrations I had grown turgid with need for him.
He took my length in his hand and soaped up and down the throbbing surface, until I was close to weeping with my need for him. "Sit down Vergil, sit and rinse the soap from your body. and once you have I will wash your hair for you." I did as he commanded and and when the soap was rinsed from my body. He picked up a picture and filled it with fresh water and dumped it over my head saturating my hair then taking up the shampoo he washed my hair and when I was rinsed clean he pulled me from the water and wrapped a towel around my waist and carried me from the bathroom, out of our father's bedroom and down the hall to ours.
He briskly dried me off and lay me in the center of our bed and joined me there, "I'm going to make it all right for you Vergil. I am going to make love with you and I am going to help you forget." Then he covered me with his body and with his love.
The week passed in much the same way each day I remembered a little more of what happened to me and each night I spent in Dante's arms him helping me forget the torturous abuse that had been inflicted on me.
Father had found several new facilities that he was checking the creditability of. He had come home one night covered in blood and hadn't said a word about what had happened nor had Dante or I asked. The following morning on the news we saw that the councilor that had recommended me to Casa de Cuckoo had been torn apart by what appeared to be a wild animal. I looked down the table at my father and all he did was pick up his cup of tea and take a small sip.
Current mood:
cheerful.Current music: Pirates of the Carribain in the background.